I didn’t want to eat, there was no God to pray to, there was nobody to love


While I was reading the memoir ‘Eat pray love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert I didn’t know how deep emotional pain would experience. I was thinking she was one of the many women who was married to the wrong man, just like me. She left him at age of 31. Since I was interested in eastern teachings I was impressed by her journey to India, although the Italian part was very intriguing as well.

When the movie, based on the book, released I was 33 years old woman who didn’t see any option but the suicide. My grandmother said it could fall to me an alcoholic man, and I laughed at her words. However, men fall to women in Bulgaria. It fell to me a narcissistic person with psychopathological traits. As my mother did’t want me, when I graduated from high school immediately started an affair with him in order to escape from her brutal treatment of me and from my ignoring father. Of course, what I tried to avoid increased. I didn’t think my destiny would be different than that one of the most Bulgarian girls in post-communist Bulgaria – useless in their homes and married to anyone in a hurry.

When he said he wanted to bring his lover home I didn’t suffer because he preferred another woman but because there wasn’t a place to go. Elizabeth Gilbert started travelling to multiple countries seeking herself and keeping away from the negative emotions. My choices were my parents or living in lodgings. After a short stay at their home I was turned out because it was a shame to have a divorced or separated daughter. ‘What people would say’ is the main pseudo-moral law in Bulgaria.

I even din’t want to eat, I couldn’t eat. I didn’t see a psychologist, nor took medicines. I didn’t pray to God who hated me. If God loved me, why I was born there? I didn’t have enough money to went abroad where it was likely to become a victim of trafficking. But chiefly, I didn’t like to rescue myself, I didn’t have a will to live. The suffering you feel is bigger when it has been the beginning of your childhood and it’s the basic model who shapes all of your thoughts. I couldn’t plan trips, I didn’t know where to stay at. It was such a hell so I continuously said to myself, 'It can’t be true'. A lot of people were glad to see me broken-down. While I worked in my bookstore and looked pleased with this job, they were jealous. For me the time came to be seen at the bottom.

I didn’t believe a harmonious relationship between two persons is possible. But I have been with a man I adore for five years now. After experiencing the most joyful moments with him I think it wasn’t an accident that I lost everything. I went through mental and emotional restart, but it doesn’t change the fact how cruel were all situations nor my poor health after the awful stress. The whole process could have been less extreme. But I’m in a place which I have never chosen. Here the hate is ultimate and the sadistic traits of the characters of people are an epidemic that kills every try to be normal.

Quite a number of women of the ex-communist countries would have nothing to eat if are not forced to put up with emotional and physical violence. They stay alive but have low quality of life. The suffering is their comfort zone and going out of it calls for a bigger suffering. If this suffering of exceptional high level is used as a possibility to be developed new features, then it will drop out as a necessary factor for change. Without increasing of suffering the personality won’t develop. Only a different person can live a calm life, so the calmness comes after the transformation.

Here the belief in the good way out is extremely important and extremely difficult, as well. When you live in bad conditions it’s unlikely to believe you could be a princess. That sounds like madness rather than a variant to be carried into effect. The despair makes us blind to all potentialities around us.

I don’t criticize Elizabeth Gilbert, on contrary – I respect her courage to share her difficulties. Being born in a certain country is a fate. The women coming from Eastern Europe have their challenges which defer from these ones of the women living in Western Europe, USA and Australia. The problem is the same – a parting but the circumstances aren’t alike and accordingly the decisions aren’t alike. The starting position determines the results. They are – a lot of women enduring violence so to survive; a lot of prostitutes; a lot of wives reduced to slavery; a lot of women married to foreigners trying to avoid their fated future.

I was lucky enough to meet Mr. Right but before that I almost jumped from the edge of the desperation. I know women who did it. I know women whose mindset is built of compromises only. I know women whose real name is A Lie. And the truth is sitting there, at the corner of forbidden things, and screams that without it the world isn’t a civilized place but a marsh in which everyone sinks. Even the innocent but mostly the silent.

P.S. Here you can find fragments from my book about this experience: 

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Text: Vess Lang
Picture: Miro Christoph

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