Talk with my fear

Our emotions while dream are sometimes stronger than the reality – this fatal conception which play with us ruthlessly. They are for real because we can’t suppress them as we do it when believe we are awake. It wasn’t necessary to study Freud’s theories, nor someone to lie to me that all parents loved their children to understand that what I met those night was my subconsciousness. And so many times before it. In the same dream I have had since I don’t see you. Almost six years went by, dear father.

Finally I figured out that her rejection hasn’t hurt me as deeply as the fact you have abandoned me. I felt so unprotected throughout my life and absolutely lonely in this world – the world which she has presented me. In the world she has pressed on me, nobody needs of me, I am an obstacle and a drag, and my existence is meaningless. There wasn’t another world for me. But you should have prevented me from her, from my own mother-psychopath, you should have stopped her, you should have saved…

Show your mistakes

About seven years ago I saw a homeopath. She was an old lady and when I rang the doorbell of her consulting room, the door was opened after a few minutes. Looking at her face I realized she had slept inside. The sleep leaves insolent traces on our faces. The doctor started interviewing me and asked me if I loved to write. ‘Yes, I have written for my  childhood – I had a diary.’ I also questioned her: ‘Why I love to write so much?’. She answered I wanted to rewrite the story of my life because I didn’t like it. Did I feel good in my own company? Actually, I was the sleeping person. I had put my real core to sleep in my invented study of a woman with a healthy business and fake friendships, pretending to have a wonderful life.

Before about two years I heard about the book ‘Show your work’ by Austin Kleon. Since I had stopped writing for some time, I was curious to know how this author would persuade me to start it again. My husband who had seen this interesting title in a bookstore in Pl…

15 pictures to feel the rhythm of Sofia, Bulgaria

After making a list of 22 non-touristy pictures from Sofia, it’s time to show 15 inspiring pictures. They were also taken in the central part of the capital of Bulgaria. Visiting of the city could be a very exciting and nice experience, since it has 2 millions inhabitants and each of them has brought here their dreams, hopes, and trust in the good future. You can notice them on some of the pictures.

P.S. If you want to see more pictures from Sofia you can do it here:
11 non-touristy pictures from Sofia, Bulgaria Vol.1
11 non-touristy pictures from Sofia, Bulgaria Vol.2

I didn’t want to eat, there was no God to pray to, there was nobody to love

While I was reading the memoir ‘Eat pray love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert I didn’t know how deep emotional pain would experience. I was thinking she was one of the many women who was married to the wrong man, just like me. She left him at age of 31. Since I was interested in eastern teachings I was impressed by her journey to India, although the Italian part was very intriguing as well.

When the movie based on the book released I was 33 years old woman who didn’t see any option but the suicide. My grandmother said it could fall to me an alcoholic man, and I laughed at her words. However, men fall to women in Bulgaria. It fell to me a narcissistic person with psychopathological traits. As my mother did’t want me, when I graduated from high school I immediately started an affair with him in order to escape from her brutal treatment of me and from my father who ignored me. Of course, what I tried to avoid increased. I didn’t think my destiny would be different than that one of the most Bulgaria…

11 non-touristy pictures from Sofia, Bulgaria Vol. 2


11 non-touristy pictures from Sofia, Bulgaria Vol.1

Several years ago a Frenchman stayed at my home using ‘Couchsurfing’. I asked him how did he like Bulgaria? The guy had visited about 30 countries. He answered, ‘When I entered the country by the way of the Turkish border I immediately noticed the sad faces of the people’. And suddenly put a question to me, ‘Why does Sofia has too little downtown, although the city is too big?’.
Sofia is my favorite city, not only because of my student years. There is something magical in all the misery, something intimate in the old buildings in the central part and the specific greyness that in some kind destroys even the vivid colours. All tourist photos from the capital are like a woman wearing too expensive clothes, hard candy makeup, but her high heel shoes sink into the mire, and she pretends as if everything is OK.
The lost faces, emptied from sense streets, the underground nuances – welcome to the other capital!

Oh that communism

They say communism left its rotting corpse after it met its end in 1989. I believe this is true and these photos are the prove. This is how I see the red rotting corpse in Plovdiv, Bulgara.
I was a little girl when the communism fell. I feel joyful because my family didn’t like this political system, but there were people who was very unhappy that it had happened. They possessed things I hadn’t and went into shops where I couldn’t. Suddenly they lost all of these privileges. I gained a lot– the teachers stopped beating us, and there were enough clothes and I could buy any kind of music and books.Nowadays, 30 years after this event a big part of the Bulgarians suffer for the communism. Those who don’t suffer have fled the country for a long time using the open borders. Except the prohibition of anecdotes offending the authority and jailed of innocent individuals, I think the biggest damage caused by this rule is the whole ugliness around us. The ugliness is like an acid about the human …