The book

Fragments from my book:

And he was trying to converse with Lady Stone. The moment he saw her, he knew they could make a good tandem. There was something powerful in her face of stone. Probably, his opinion that stone is hard to break made him want to be with her. He was too sensitive for a man himself, instinctively drawn by a woman who didn’t know how to hurt. Yes, her looks were quite ordinary. Only her eyes were a bit bigger. It took him long years to realize that they were such, not because they were the only thing alive in her; they had to be a bit more to the front of her face, as stone, as a whole, is not very pliable. At the beginning, it was important that they looked beautiful. After all, one man also seeks the beautiful, not just being in a good partnership with the woman he loves. Beauty is relative. Banal, but that’s a fact. A fact that cannot be crushed by banality.

.........

 One time, it was heard that asking questions spoke of a high level of intelligence, and the word was about questions posed to someone who had the answers anyway. But they are not answers to concrete questions, just answers. He didn’t think that questions, going together with the answers, were of much cognitive importance. This type of posing questions is not a skill but an act of joining. Joining is a good thing, except when you join bad things.

He saw her, all made of thoughtfulness and pre-learnt gestures. One wall his head hit into even on the first meeting. It is not a commonly accepted fact that human beings divide into walls and cosy rooms. In the wall, you hit yourself, and hit, and hit. In the wall, your attempts to caress fall down on the floor, like bouquets of iron flowers, made by an incompetent master in a fit of low spirits. Some people remain walls forever, others are walls at one moment and warm rooms at another, and some are only rooms. The last are the least often found. Mankind knows few rooms in which it could gather as a whole for brief moments, feeling it is a community. The wall is one tendency for a room, too unorganized to know that with three walls more, it can be entered into.

But people-walls have their advantage. Hitting into them does not create only wounds. Wounds heal but hits stay and power is born. Power is somewhere in the distance between one person and another. It is the invisible magnet which creates relationships and destroys relationships. Power is about letting someone close to you. And if you can let someone close, you could let everything. You can allow yourself to start from the zero when your world has collapsed. And with the zero starts the quick counting of one event after another, their binding to each other, creating a sequence of events and at the end, a new world is organized, which will probably collapse again. 

........

 He felt he had the need to be broken many a time so that he attained hardness. One brittle being, living in a world based on hardness, is always scared.

It had to be like the bones. The bone is comprised of small, brittle parts which break and heal on every step. But we don’t have a sufficiently tuned ear to hear the fine sound of the constant breakings.

According to the anthropologists, fear is the oldest human emotion. It is deeper than joy and in general, than every other feeling. It is accepted that each person carries fear in him. Fear is what keeps him alive. And probably what kills him. Kept alive at every moment, fear preserves the body but ruins the psyche. A good amount of fear is useful, it is balancing. Balance is hard to attain because it is an incessant maintaining of opposites in their synchrony. They stand against one another but are not in conflict among themselves. And he didn’t know which one made more sense. He didn’t know whether to choose living in which he happened to be constantly running and half-rescued. Or to be recklessly brave and destroy himself because of one or several venturesome experiences.

 ......

              With Lady Stone, he felt the stone support of one normal, in itself, living. He didn’t have to be worried for her because, for example, nothing could make her sick. She could only be destroyed – the time or some more powerful blow could turn her into pebbles or some tiny fragments. She could suddenly collapse or get levelled and become a heap of sand, so that it is known she was never there.  But he would certainly not suffer that she could be suffering. There is some sort of convenience in living with a being that wouldn’t cause trouble of such an emotional character.

      ......

They went to a public house on their first date. They were both not very hungry; so, they chose ice cream. But it turned out that Lady Stone ate only ice cream bars, and she wouldn’t stand having an ice cream sundae. It turned out that in her, not only the body was made of stone. Every decision was petrified. She made an excuse that only this ice cream was to her taste – fitted with a stick – and it didn’t matter that it was all ice cream.

‘I eat ice cream bars only.’

‘And what is the other? Isn’t it ice cream as well?’

‘No, because appearance changes taste,’ she explained with an air of importance.

‘And how does that happen?’

‘In the same way blood freezes inside the veins when you consume alcohol.’

‘Blood doesn’t stop circulating in the body.’

‘You are lying to yourself. My blood stopped when I got drank.’

They left quite hungry. Everyone carries his own hunger. One hunger plus another hunger does not make a mutual sharing of hunger but a huge wolfish hunger. And plenty of food, special food is needed. He was hoping that one day, he’d finish his meal in her presence and not leave hungry. They didn’t have a car and waited for the tram. He noticed that she climbed up first, before twenty people at the bus stop. With time, he would find out that she wanted to be the first in everything. She was made up solely of demands.

In the traditional views, love is about wanting to love and to be loved as well. And he was asking himself whether love wasn’t the capacity to love and the ability to allow to be loved. As a rule, children born by accident have a big need of love and get deeply attached. These circumstances, however, could hardly stop him. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. He would better be with Lady Stone instead of with no one at all. The look of a lonely person is soaked up with the images of all objects in his lonely room. These images create a static character, which invariably results in a tremendous emotional confusion. Every object has to be looked at by at least two pairs of eyes. The traces of looks that cross can be found everywhere in a domicile where people live, even if they shared little.

Now, when he recalled the beginning, he realized that it spelled the end. One end that started at the beginning, took possession of the very beginning, and was transformed into something final. The whole pain from the unknown number of years thrown in the bin was inside him. In the empty home, the empty bed, the empty hug, and the suitcase emptied from objects that were someone else’s. It was the first time he came to his friend’s home with his own clothes and objects only. The expressionless face of Lady Stone has turned into a shadow that chased him. Why did he meet only other Lady Stones on the streets? Why did he think she was behind every female face?

Because he was programmed to attract Lady Stone. It is hard to explain in a couple of words. Women who had had fathers-alcoholics attract husbands-alcoholics. Men with cold mothers marry cold women. Each of us is thoughts and emotions and according to recent conclusions drawn by progressive psychologists, each person is like subscribed to something, unless he doesn’t un-program on his own. We try to recreate the family environment from our childhood years, as to correct what bothered us. And because this environment is inside us. And because we see what we’ve always seen. There is no way to simply change that, which we are focusing on. It has come the time to learn precisely this un-programming. And the wish for un-programming has made him act. 

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